Staying Connected Through Disagreement

Our snippet of conversation last week left off with a thought about processing difficult feelings, like anger, and staying grounded as a way of staying connected through differences.

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Disagreeing and staying connected. Oof. That has, historically, been really hard for me. Once upon a time I would just…avoid any and all conflict. I’d stay as far away from the issue if at all possible, and if I couldn’t, then I’d appease and feel really resentful. I kind of feel like that’s what our whole society does a lot of the time. On the surface we pretend everything’s fine while a million different types of resentment are simmering underneath, or we find ways to distract ourselves and avoid the possibility of conflict. That’s not sustainable, of course. Resentment grows until it spills out, or eventually the distractions wear off or conflict corners you.

I never struggled with vilifying others, but I struggled with erasing myself to allow others to exist. I had to learn a different way of handling uncomfortable truths and feelings – of how to actually process those emotions, and the reasons behind them, in a way that gave grace to others and myself. And it was hard. Really hard. I’m STILL learning. But I’ve figured out that the earlier I say “hey, this feels off,” the better the outcome.

Now that I think about it, I remember one time you did that with me. We were in a group conversation, and I made a generalizing comment, and you said something to the effect of “hey, that’s not a fair statement” and I was really grateful that you did. It allowed me to check my thought process (or lack thereof) right then and there. The conversation, as I recall, continued with the group talking about generalizations, labels, and perception, which was awesome.

So how does that process work for you? You’re a pretty chill person…I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you angry! How do you process disconnection and anger – what does that look like in the moment for you?

Oh boy, we’re really getting into it now, huh?

On one hand, it’s easy for me to be quiet and just listen. That part comes naturally. But responding thoughtfully? That takes work for a couple of reasons. First, I genuinely need time to find the right words. If you ask me a question and I pause, I’m not avoiding it, I’m searching for the words that actually reflect what I mean. And second, if I’m being honest, I tend to bottle things up. I tell myself it’s not a big deal. I’ll deal with it later. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

Except it’s usually not fine.

The original issue just sits there. Then a small frustration or minor inconvenience comes along, and suddenly my reaction is bigger than it should be. It could be totally unrelated, but the surface tension was already there, and one more drop made it spill over.

And like you said earlier about resentment simmering under the surface, I think that’s happening on a larger scale, too. There’s so much simmering frustration in our current climate. We’re getting constant updates, often highlighting the most dramatic, the most alarming parts of daily events, because that’s what captures attention. So many headlines, so many decisions, so many things that feel urgent or high-stakes. It’s easy to carry a low-grade anger without even realizing it. Then, a conversation or moment that may seem minor becomes the tipping point. The reaction isn’t really about that situation – it’s about everything we’ve been carrying underneath.

That’s not fair. And it’s not healthy.

So I’m learning to pause earlier. To notice the tightness before it turns into resentment. For me, that often looks like prayer. Sometimes just a quiet whisper asking God for clarity, patience, and the right words. My faith helps me trust that I don’t have to react instantly, that I can seek His guidance before I respond. It slows me down enough to separate the real issue from the trigger in front of me and respond instead of unload.

I’m definitely still growing in this! But when I process anger honestly, before it compounds, it’s much easier to stay connected without either erasing myself or erupting later.

What would it look like if we applied everything we’ve talked about – anger as a barometer, difference without division, staying connected without erasing ourselves – beyond our individual conversations? How do we create communities where differences don’t immediately divide, and where connection is intentional, not accidental?

Selina Pedi-Smith

Founder, Pellere Foundation