So…what does connection actually look like?
Let’s say that we have decided to intentionally nurture connection. Great. Step one complete. Then, we allow ourselves to notice the opportunities where connection can exist alongside our ‘normal’ life. Fabulous. Step two complete.
Then…what?
What does it actually look like when two or more human beings connect?
A lot of times, it seems to be easiest to tell when something is wrong, is off, or simply isn’t the way we want it to be. Okay, so…let’s look at what connection doesn’t look like.
When I see people talking AT each other, simply waiting (or not) for the other person to finish talking so they can prove their point, that does not feel like connection. That just feels like defensiveness and stubbornness, no matter how right either party may be. When people seem uncomfortable with any silence at all and rush to fill it with noise, that sure doesn’t feel like connection. That feels like anxiety and self-doubt, no matter that a lot of the time the motivation can be a desire to make the Other person feel more comfortable. Or when people seem desperate to prove themselves – either their capability, or their trustworthiness, or their likeability – that doesn’t feel like connection either. It just tends to feel boorish and pretentious, and…weirdly enough, still rooted in self-doubt.
Now, I definitely don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a point we’d like others to hear, or to be nervous, or to want to prove that we’re good people. I just think it’s when those things get in the way of…well, realizing that the people around us have those same wants and needs – that’s when it feels like connection gets squashed instead of nurtured.
And, let’s be honest. There are plenty of times when it simply doesn’t feel like there’s enough time to wait and let everyone in the room be human. I have a feeling that’s why connection tends to happen in more private settings, like at home, or a coffee shop, or driving your kids home from piano lessons. That’s when we have the luxury to not be in a rush.
It seems to be a lot easier to truly listen to what someone else is saying – and notice how it lines up with, or comfortably challenges, our own thinking – when we’re just relaxing together in our happy places. And I think it’s a lot easier to handle silence in a conversation when life is going on around us, like when we’re driving, or walking through a grocery store, or even just sitting and watching the trees sway. And…importantly, I think it’s easier to let go of the need to prove our worth when we feel safe. When we don’t feel like our place in the group is up for review or debate.
So, how can we nurture those conditions – of time, of flow, of safety – everywhere, no matter what we’re doing? Whether we’re on our couch or in a conference room, a coffee shop or a committee meeting, walking a quiet trail or standing in front of a crowd. How do we recognize how and when they happen, and what shifts when we don’t interfere?
No rush to prove our point. No rush to prove our worth. No rush to prove we deserve to exist.
Selina Pedi-Smith
Founder, Pellere Foundation
